Even If You Cannot Hear My Voice
by AliceSloane13
Summary: Red and Nicky try to have a serious talk about what will happen after prison, but it turns dark and they're faced with some realities that no one wants to face.


A/N: I'm sorry. This is sad. Turn back now.

You should really listen to "Run" by Snow Patrol for the full effect.

XOXOXO

"Dinner was good," Nicky said, following Red outside. It was something they did every once in awhile, when one of them had something heavy on their minds. They made their way to the small bench against the wall and sat down.

It was cold outside and the stars were out. Fall had always been Nicky's favorite time of year. She stared up at the moon with a blissful smile. She felt hopeful, but a bit melancholy at the same time. The stars had that effect on her. Everything seemed so big and possible, but the expanse of that notion made her feel small and wasteful. What was she doing with her life? "Ma, what are we gonna do when we get out of here?" Nicky asked, voice full of doubt.

Red sighed, but stayed silent. She had wondered the same thing many times herself and had never come up with a satisfactory answer. It was difficult with Nicky, she didn't want to increase the younger woman's anxiety or feelings of instability in this world. Where she could live without answers, Nicky would want something to hold onto.

"What are any of us going to do after prison, Nicky?" Red questioned, voice warm and cautious. "No one really knows where they're headed," she added, hoping the vague philosophical answers might be enough to distract her. "We'll just have to see how it goes."

Bristling at the harshness she read in the other's woman's words, Nicky could feel herself beginning to panic. "But you're gonna be there, right?" Her voice cracked with doubt. "I mean … once we get out of here. You're not just going to disappear out of my life? I don't think I could make it if you weren't." Her words carried a weight that she wasn't prepared to deal with.

Red could hear the desperation and longed to be able to tell her what she wanted to hear. She had to be realistic for both their sakes, Nicky was too co-dependent on her and she needed to be strong on her own when the time came. "As long as it's in my control, no Nicky—I won't disappear." She let that settle in before she continued. "You can't just depend on me forever though. You need to find where you want to go in this world and start building that. You need a life for yourself, that makes you happy."

"I don't think I want to talk about this anymore," Nicky admitted quickly. She didn't want to think about a life separate or apart from Red's. It almost made her sick. She wasn't ready to give up what they shared and she would never be ready to have to live without her. Her stomach coiled into knots and she tried to steady her breath.

Red sighed and put a heavy hand on her back. She understood all that wasn't being said, but her greater concern was for Nicky to be okay. One day she wouldn't be there and Nicky would have to deal with that loss. Right now, she couldn't even talk about it let alone survive it. "Fine, but you need to think about it. At some point, I'm not going to be there beside you."

"We're not talking about that. What about now, and two months from now—-two years?" Nicky's words came fast and filled with need. She _needed_ Red to reassure her and calm her fears, not force her to think about the inevitable.

"Nicky, I don't have all the answers. We do the best we can. We stick together. That's all I know." She rubbed slow circles on Nicky's back, trying to at least calm her physically. She knew that Nicky's demons ran deep. The idea of losing people was not one that she was truly equipped to handle. Hell, she had only just learned how to lean on people.

"I'm scared," Nicky admitted. "Even if they're lies, I need you to tell me things are going to be okay." She turned her body to look at Red, and with the innocent naivety of a child her eyes pleaded with Red to be kind.

Red wanted to tell her what she needed to hear, but she couldn't do it. With their time in Litchfield coming to an end they had to be more realistic than that. They had been living in a bubble for years. The notion of release and being away from this place made time a tangible thing. Red was not a young woman and she knew she would be gone long before Nicky was ready.

"I have always tried to take care of you, but you have to be realistic. We can't just avoid things because they're uncomfortable to talk about. I can't give you answers I don't have Nicky. I just can't. That's why I said that you need to learn to provide comfort for yourself. At some point, you're going to need it and I won't be there." She took Nicky's hand in her own and tried to offer what comfort she could.

"Stop," Nicky said, trying to fight back tears. "Just please stop," she begged in a quiet voice. Nicky bit her lip trying to hold it all in, but it was no use. Her bottom lip wobbled and the tears came.

"Okay Nicky," Red replied, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She leaned down and kissed Nicky on the temple and then ran a hand down her hair—smoothing the wild strays that the breeze was catching. "We won't talk about it tonight. I'm not going anywhere for a long time."

She leaned heavier against Red, needing to feel the strength and support. Looking down at her lap, Nicky hid behind her hair as she tried to escape all she was feeling. With harsh movements, she wiped the back of her hand against her cheeks, trying to erase all signs of crying.

Knowing that their lives would always be difficult, Red tried to keep her own thoughts and doubts to herself. For them, it would always be a struggle. When they were inside these walls Red always had an answer for Nicky. She always had some bit of wisdom or guidance to pass on, but out there—in the real world, she wouldn't be that person any longer. There were too many factors to offer the same level of control over their lives that she could provide here.

It hurt so much to know that she might not be able to protect and nurture Nicky in the same way. As the recent months passed, Red had been thinking about this a lot. She found herself pulling Nicky into her care more and more often. It was easy to just hold onto her and give her whatever sanctuary she could. It was only a moment in time though and one day they would be faced with a hardship neither of them would be prepared for.

"You're a good girl Nicky," Red said, pulling her tighter against her. She dropped a kiss to the crown of her head and began to rock them slowly. "Everything will work out in time. We just have to keep pushing through. It will all work out in the end."

Nicky knew that Red wanted her words to be true, but she could hear the lack of confidence. She didn't want Red to have to worry about her like that. No matter what happened Red wouldn't abandon her and she cherished that knowledge. They would fight for the life they wanted and do what they needed to keep it. They were just two people trying to hang onto a little happiness, but life had no guarantees—only the promise that all things had to come to an end in time.


End file.
